


The Sound of Silence

by I_Will_Gladly_Join_The_Fight



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Depression, Healing, Self Harm, Voluntary muteness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-02
Updated: 2017-04-02
Packaged: 2018-10-14 01:08:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10525713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_Will_Gladly_Join_The_Fight/pseuds/I_Will_Gladly_Join_The_Fight
Summary: John's world started with talking and laughter, but then it faded away to the sound of silence.--A John Laurens story told in fragments.





	

1.

Jack's first memory is his mother handing him a little sister. He shifts his arm instinctively to support tiny Martha's head, and leans down and kisses her forehead, silently vowing that he will protect her from everything the world would throw.

2.

His first day of school he gently dislodges a screaming Martha from his leg and guides her to his mom, whose tummy is huge because she's having another baby and Jack's getting a brother. Jack isn't sure what to think about this preschool, but it is taking him away from protecting his sister, so he decides to hate every minute.

3.

His second day of preschool (The first being cut short when Jack climbed out the window and tried to walk home, his mama hadn't been very happy) he meets Martha Manning, and suddenly school isn't so bad anymore.

4.

Within a week Martha and Jack are inseparable, and now he's looking forward to preschool everyday, but he makes sure that his sister Martha knows that she'll always be his favourite, and so will tiny Henry Jr. when he gets big enough to play.

5.

When he starts first grade, to his horror, he is put in a separate class than Martha. He sneaks into her class but gets caught and escorted back to his own class. He is seated next to a kid named Alexander Hamilton, who immediately introduces himself and says "You have so many freckles on your face that they look like stars in the sky."

6.

Jack stares at him for a minute, then grins and says "So does my mom. I'm Jack." They become fast friends, and then a package deal. It's never just Jack, and it's never just Alex, it's always JackandAlex and Jack likes it that way. It makes the pain of missing Martha hurt less, especially when he sees Martha with her new friends.

7.

Martha moves to a far away place called England, and even though they had been growing apart, Jack is inconsolable for weeks, until one day Alex comes up with the brilliant idea of writing letters. Jack kisses Alex straight on the lips and runs off to write his letter, leaving behind a bright red Alex, and Jack's amused mother.

8.

Alexander Hamilton, Jack decides, is gonna rule the world one day. As he watches Alex singlehandedly debate their fifth grade teacher over how the class money should be handled, Jack leans over to Alex's new adopted brother with a weird name and whispers _"Five bucks says Seabury loses it in three minutes."_

9.

Lafayette has been added to JackandAlex, and now they're in middle school. It is going great, Jack has either Laf or Alex in all of his classes. Then he meets a seventh grade asshole called Charles Lee, and he gets suspended for a week for punching him in the face.

10.

When Jack is finally allowed to go back to school, he is given a hero's welcome, and he keeps getting stopped in the hallway and thanked for standing up to Lee. He meets a seventh grader named Hercules Mulligan, and soon he is sitting with Jack, Laf, and Alex at lunch everyday and their set is complete.

11.

Mary Eleanor, nicknamed Mary E, is born when Jack is in seventh grade. There is another child in between her and Henry, Jemmy, whose name Jack got to pick. Jack doesn't know the details, but suddenly mom is really sick and his dad starts drinking beer and yelling a lot more.

12.

Two months after Mary E is born, Jack's mom dies, and suddenly the world stops spinning.

13.

Jack is furious with the world. His dad does nothing but drink, and refuses to even look at his children. Jack hasn't gone back to school since mom died two weeks ago, because someone has to take care of his siblings and his dad sure as hell ain't. He's only twelve. He doesn't want this. He wants to be a normal kid with an alive mother and a good father and he wants to go back to school with his friends. Then he looks down at Mary E in his arms and remembers the promise he made the first time he held her, so he shoves down his emotions and gently rocks the baby to sleep.

14.

Jack hasn't been in school for a month and a half and people start worrying. Alex, Laf, and Hercules call everyday, but Jack never picks up the phone, just listens to their increasingly worried voicemails with tears in his eyes.

15.

Mary E won't stop crying. Jack doesn't know what to do, he's tried everything, but she just won't stop, so he does the only thing he can and keeps rocking her and hums softly under his breath and fights back tears of his own.

16.

His friends show up on his front doorstep one day, and when Jack opens the door they pounce, hugging him tight and frantically asking _Jack, are you ok?_ Jack shakes them off and tries to smile, but then Mary E starts crying again and he crumples. Herc catches him before he can fall all the way, and then he's sobbing into Herc's shoulder because _he doesn't want this, he just wants his mom back._

17.

Jack promises his friends that he would start answering their calls, but he has no intention of keeping it. He has already called the school pretending to be his father and said he needs more time to grieve, and he is going to be privately educated, so now he doesn't have to worry about missing school. His dad is still drinking, but now he's on the phone a lot, and men with suits start to visit, and Jack just tries to keeps his siblings out of the way and happy.

18.

Alex is outside his window tapping on the glass, and Jack can only stare in horror. He wants so badly to let Alex in, but then he'd just break down again and he needs to be strong. So Jack walks up to the window and Alex's eyes light up, but Jack quickly shuts the blinds, ignoring the clawing at his heart as he walks away from his best friend.

19.

Jack finds out his dad is running for some political office, and that scares him. He can't even take care of his children, how is he going to take care of an entire state?

20.

Now that Henry (Not his father anymore, he lost that right) is running for office he's stopped drinking so much and spending so much time alone in his office and he has finally started to notice his kids. He asks Jack why he isn't in school, and Jack snaps. He screams at him that he quit because he had to take care of his siblings, and that he is a terrible father and _what would mom think_ , and that's the first time Henry hit him.

21.

Jack has a bruise on his cheek, and when Martha asks what happened he says he hit it on a door, and she believes him.

22.

Jack still hasn't gone back to school, and he doesn't even want to anymore, because he's pushed away all his friends and he doesn't know what to say if someone asks him about the bruises on his arm that look like fingerprints.

23.

Henry is sending him and Jemmy to a boarding school in England, and Jack is terrified. He doesn't want to go to across the entire ocean to school because he doesn't trust Henry with his kids, and if Jack won't be around to protect them who will?

24.

Jack is holding Jemmy's hand as they wait to board the plane to England, and as they step on the plane he feels a brief flash of regret that he never got to apologize to his friends, and now he's leaving without saying goodbye.

25.

England is always cold, a stark contrast to the usually mild South Carolina weather. He bundles Jemmy up before they go outside to find the cab that will take them to the school, and he's grateful for the fact that he can wear long sleeves all the time and not be questioned.

26.

When he is called to the front of the class to introduce himself, the teacher asks if there's any nicknames that he prefers rather than John. Jack stares at her for a moment, Jack on the tip of his tongue, but then he remembers his mother smiling and calling his name, his friends yelling his name from across the courtyard, his father drunkenly shouting his name from the bottom of the stairs, and he shakes his head. _John will do just fine._

27.

John hardly gets to see Jemmy at all at this school, and that worries him, but he tries to remember that they're safe here. Jemmy seems happy whenever John sees him, always surrounded by a group of friends, so John pushes his worries aside. John doesn't have any friends of his own, he made sure to push away his classmates when they try to approach him. He proved he didn't deserve friendship back in South Carolina, so why the hell would things be different here?

28.

John has lived in England for two years now, his fourteenth birthday was about a week ago, not that he or anyone else celebrated it. He's sitting in mathematics now, trying to pay attention when there's an announcement over the loudspeaker and he's being called to the headmaster's office.

29.

He's being told that his brother James been sick for the past couple days, and they just took him to the hospital because he wasn't getting better and _does John want to go visit him?_ but the only thing John hears is Jemmy's really sick and John wasn't there for him.

30.

He's in the hospital, sitting on an uncomfortable chair besides Jemmy's bed, and Jemmy hasn't woken up, he looks so small on the huge hospital bed, and doctors keep rushing in and out but John ignores them all except to ask _why won't Jemmy wake up?_

31.

Jemmy dies that night from a chest cold that turned into a lung infection that was left untreated for too long. John had been holding his hand when the machines went crazy, when the heart monitor's screen displayed a flat line, and John knew what that meant, and he screamed, and didn't stop when the doctors dragged him away, doesn't stop until there's a prick in his neck, and as he loses the fight with the darkness he wishes he was dead as well.

32.

There's a small service in England, but none of his family is there. John doesn't remember the funeral, later he's told by the school counselor he was disassociating, whatever the hell that means. He doesn't care at this point. He hasn't said a word since Jemmy died, and the next thing he knows he's being shipped back to South Carolina.

33.

His father is waiting at the airport, and he wordlessly grips John's arm (hard enough to bruise, but John can't bring himself to care) and walks him towards the car. He's _a South Carolina senator now_ , he tells John, and he _can't have anything tarnishing his public image._ John nods numbly, and when he steps in the house there's a small blur and then Mary E is in his arms, and John sinks to his knees, burying his face into her tiny shoulder and tears started trickling out of his eyes, and he can't stop them.

34.

He goes to high school, and he finds out that Laf and Alexander moved to Virginia, and Hercules transferred to New York. For the most part he's relieved, but there's still that tiny twinge in his heart that makes his want to curl up into a ball and sob. He pulls down his sleeves over his fists and walks out of the cafeteria, heading for the library where he wouldn't be stared at and whispered about for not talking.

35.

He survives his Freshman, Sophomore, and Junior year. He still hasn't said a word, and he still wears long sleeves wherever he goes.

36.

His senior year is almost over, and he's been accepted to Columbia college. His counselor assures him that his 'speech impediment' will not be an issue as long as his grades stay as good as they are now. John just nods, at this point he's just tired of pretending everything's ok.

37.

He's leaving for college today, and Mary E is crying, Martha won't stop giving him last minute hugs, and Henry Jr. punches John on the shoulder for luck, and makes him promise to text often. John ruffles his hair, pulls Martha and Mary E into one last hug, and boards the plane with his backpack and too-big sweatshirt and closes his eyes and rests his forehead against the cold glass.

38.

John drags his suitcase up the dorm stairs, not having bothered to look for an elevator. He finds his dorm and inserts his key, bumping the door open with his hip. The dorm is empty, he must be the first to arrive. He picks the door closest to the window and drops his suitcase near the foot of the bed. John pulls out his sketchbook and pencils and curls up on the bed, aimlessly sketching abstract shapes as the shadows grow outside his window.

39.

Around six he hears muffled voices outside the door, and he sets down his sketchbook and cautiously looks towards the door as it swings open. In burst two boys, excitedly talking in what John thinks is French, until they stop abruptly and stare at John, who stares back. There's something familiar about the two of them, and then it hits him.

40.

 _Jack?_ Alexander asks, and John can only stare.

41.

Alex's hair is longer now, tied back in a messy bun. There are bags under his eyes, and John remembers how in middle school he would stay up all night writing essays ten pages over the word limit. Lafayette is much taller, and he still has long hair, his pulled back in a bun much neater than Alex's.

42.

John knows he's changed as well. He still has those freckles Alex commented on first time they met, but he's a lot paler now, complements of cloudy England weather and the fact that he never went outside except when his siblings dragged him out. He had grown his hair out as well, and it is tied back in a curly ponytail. He is scrawny to the point of looking skeletal, something Martha frets over constantly. Alex and Lafayette are still staring at him, and John nods slowly.

43.

Then Alex and Laf are on him, hugging him like they had done the last time he saw them, and John numbly lets them, and as they talk and ask him questions he can't answer, he wonders how he's going to survive this.

44.

Eventually Laf and Alex notice John isn't responding, and they draw back, confused and a little hurt, and John gestures helplessly, trying to convey the fact that he has changed, that he's broken, but he just **can't**.

45.

Eventually they figure it out, that John isn't talking. They cautiously try and communicate, and John does the best he can with nodding and shaking his head. They ask where he's been, and how he's been, John pulls out his iPad and shows them some of the pictures of him that were taken in England. They tell him Hercules is here too, and text him to come over.

46.

John doesn't know what to do. They're being so kind and so gentle and understanding and he doesn't deserve this after what he did to them, and he stares at Alex, who has been talking nonstop since he arrived about what happened when John left, how Lee had been insufferable, how school has been so boring without him, and John just needs him to **stop, he doesn't deserve this.**

47.

Laf notices something's wrong, and he makes Alex stop talking, and cautiously takes John's hands and asks him if he's alright, and John just shakes his head and scrubs his eyes with the heels of his hands, and he doesn't know how long he does this but when he finally looks up there's a blanket over his shoulders and Herc is here, smiling.

48.

They all stay in John and Alex's dorm that night, the other three talking softly to John who tries his best to listen, and communicate, and just be there with them, but he feels like there's a veil between them, and he wants to talk, wants to laugh and joke with them, but he can't tear the veil, and he can't get his voice to work.

49.

Eventually he falls asleep, and when he wakes up he's on his bed with a blanket tucked over him and Alex snoring in the other bed. John smiles softly, and rolls out of bed and grabs his sketchbook, and uses a pencil to outline the scene in front of him, Alex half falling off the bed, arm brushing the floor.

50.

They settle into a routine, and John eventually accepts that his friends are here to stay, and they don't blame him for shutting them out when they were young. They don't push him to speak, and John teaches them the weird mashup of ASL and his own signs he uses to communicate. John starts smiling more, but he doesn't stop wearing long sleeves.

51.

Their group grows bigger as they meet the Schuyler sisters, and Aaron Burr, and the veil separating John from the rest of the world seems to be thinning.

52.

John finds himself smiling so much more, one day he's grinning so hard his face hurts at something Alex said, and Alex just stops and says he hasn't seen John smile like that since they were kids, and John just stares back, a half-smile still on his face, except it's tinted with sadness now, and he tries to ignore the tears in Alex's eyes.

53.

It's a Saturday night, and none of them have classes tomorrow, so Laf, Herc, Alex, and John are all hanging out in their dorm, laughing and whacking each other with pillows, but then someone yanks John's baggy sweatshirt sleeve down to his elbow, and there's nothing covering his arm, and they all freeze, John's eyes widening in panic.

54.

His arm is covered in scars, jagged lines making their way from John's wrist to his elbow with pink still-healing cuts in between. John tears his eyes away from his arm and looks at his friends, who look horrified, all of them staring at him, and then John can't breathe and he's scrambling to his feet.

55.

Before he can run Laf grabs his arm, and John whips his head around to see Laf's eyes filled with tears, and he's pleading with John to _stay, they'll help him, he just needs to stay._

56.

John stays.

57.

They don't sleep that night. John yanks his sleeves down past his fists, and then he's promptly covered with blankets because he's shaking, but no matter how many they pile on he can't stop trembling.

58.

The next day Herc drives them to the Washingtons, Laf and Alex's foster parents. John vaguely remembers them from when he was little. They were kind and open, and he thinks they might have been at his mom's funeral.

59.

The minute they arrive Martha Washington is out the front door and hovering over them, checking Laf and Alex for any visible injury, patting Herc on the cheek, and then her eyes rest on John, who has been standing near the back, trying to go unnoticed, and her mouth drops open and she strides over and wraps him in a hug.

60.

John stiffens, but then allows himself to be embraced, and then he's being escorted into the house and seated at the kitchen table. Martha pushes a mug of hot chocolate into John's hands, and then she asks him if it's ok if she talks to him alone, and he nods, sipping the hot chocolate slowly.

61.

His friends leave the room, and now he's alone with Mrs. Washington. She sits down across from him and gently asks if she can see his arms, to check for infection, apparently she used to be a nurse. John clenches his fists, but nods, and then she is rolling up his sleeves and John never more wanted to disappear.

62.

Once she's done bandaging the newer ones she looks at him and asks if his family knows about this. John shrugs, he honestly doesn't know, and he doubts Henry would care anyway, as long as it didn't ruin his public image.

63.

Martha purses her lips and tells John she's a _counselor at a local school_ (Which might be why Laf and Alex moved), and she wants to know if John would be willing to try some of the things she suggests instead of hurting himself. He looks at her for a minute, then nods. He doesn't agree for himself; he saw his friends' faces when they saw his arms, and he never wants to be the reason for them to look like that again.

64.

Martha gives him markers that aren't toxic for his skin, and tells him to draw on his arms whenever he feels like he needs to hurt himself. John accepts the markers, and fiddles with the caps.

65.

The four of them stay at the Washington's for a couple days, and one night John overhears a hushed conversation in the kitchen. Apparently his not talking is really concerning. Martha's voice says that it means that he either has _suffered injury to his frontal lobe that renders him incapable of speech, he doesn't feel comfortable around them yet, if it's that case he may open up given time, or he suffered a trauma as a child and made the decision to stop speaking_. John silently creeps away from the door and tries to ignore the phantom hospital machinery screaming in his ears.

66.

Eventually they go back to college, after John promises to text Mrs. Washington whenever he needs to. He's not sure he will, but she has been nothing but kind, so maybe he'll give her a shot.

67.

He does try the markers though. There's something calming about tracing patterns over his scars, and once Alex walks in the dorm when John is just scribbling all over his arms. Alex sits down besides him and pulls John's head down to rest on his shoulder, and John drops the marker and buries his face in Alex's shoulder, and Alex gently combs his fingers through John's hair.

68.

Things go back to normal, though now he gets more sympathetic looks and everyone is overbearingly nice, and he notices all sharp objects have disappeared from his dorm. He doesn't mind, but he kind of wishes everyone would stop trying to hard to be nice and just treat him like they did before, but he knows that's too much to ask.

69.

Henry hasn't contacted John since he left, except for one voicemail. Apparently Martha let it slip to one of her friend's mother that John doesn't talk, and the mother called, concerned about John. So now John isn't to come home until he can hold a proper conversation using his voice, not gestures, and something in John breaks.

70.

When Alex comes home that night he finds John in the bathroom with his arms completely covered in black ink, the markers thrown across the room, and his razor is broken in the sink, its blades bloody on the floor. John is curled up by the sink, and Alex kneels down in front of him, asking if he can touch him.

71.

When John hears Alex's voice he curls in tighter on himself, because he promised he wouldn't do this anymore and he tried so hard not to, but he couldn't stop himself and the markers **weren't working.**

72.

Eventually he looks up and Alex is sitting across from him, with a first aid kit and a mug of hot chocolate.

73.

Alex wraps his still-bleeding arms in gauze and gives John the hot chocolate, and asks what happened that he felt the need to do this. John hesitates for a second, then hands over his phone, and Alex taps the voicemail, and as he listens his face goes from confused, to shocked, to anger, to sympathy.

74.

The next morning he takes John to his mom, and Martha takes one look at John and escorts him inside, Alex trailing behind. She unwraps his arms and washes them off with a washcloth, and then redresses the cuts.

75.

So apparently Alex's foster father, George, is a politician as well, and he knows Henry, and when he finds out about what Henry said, George stalks out of the room and makes a phone call, and John can only watch with wide eyes as he listens to one side of the conversation.

76.

George is kinda awesome, John decides, as he listens to George ream out his father for treating John that way, but at the same time John knows that Henry is going to punish him somehow for telling people.

77.

John doesn't sleep that night, he and Alex stay up and Alex rambles on about random topics, from Burr's complete inability to form his own options, to how Alex is going to one day be an amazing lawyer who actually helps people. Alex had somehow picked up a while ago that John likes just listening to Alex talking, and Alex is more than happy to oblige.

78.

A few weeks later Henry's vengeance rears its head. John is at lunch with his friends, and his phone buzzes with a text. John opens his phone, and reads Henry's text.

79.

So he's disowned now.

80.

He looks up and Alex is staring worriedly at him, and John pushes back his seat and gestures that he has to leave, and the whole group immediately looks concerned, and John rolls his eyes and grabs Alex's sleeve and pulls him with him.

81.

Alex asks what's wrong, and John hands him his phone, lets Alex read the text. Alex immediately puts his arm around John's waist and leads him to the park, the one with the turtles John loves.

82.

They sit there for awhile, and John tries to sort through his emotions. He'll have to get a job now, what jobs are there that don't require speaking? Maybe the library?

83.

Alex breaks the silence and asks again if John's ok. John considers, then nods, not looking at Alex. Apparently that wasn't very convincing because Alex turns and faces John, and repeats his question. John half smiles, and nods. It really doesn't change anything. It's just now it's official.

84.

His friends monitor him carefully for a few weeks after, but John honestly is fine. He really doesn't know why, but he is.

85.

It's starting to get warmer, and wearing long sleeves is starting to get uncomfortable, but John's used to it.

86.

John and Alex are in a coffee shop, relaxing for once. John has finally pried Alex away from his laptop and coaxed him into a game of Stress, which is making Alex progressively more and more frustrated when John wipes the floor with him. They just finished their thirteenth game and John has won yet again, and Alex throws his cards across the room, and John thinks to himself **God, I love him** , then his eyes widen and he promptly shuts down.

87.

Holy crap. He loves Alexander Hamilton. How did he not realize this sooner? John wracks his memory, he never really was attracted to either gender, but he is quite sure that he's attracted to Alex. Ok. But more importantly does Alex return his feelings?

88.

Alex has always been there for him. When they were kids, when they reunited at college, he's always there. He's helped John through his worst times, and John doesn't feel suffocated by his presence. But is Alex attracted to him? He knows Alex is bi. He's seen Alex flirt with various people back when they first reunited, but in recent times there has been a definite lack of flirting going on. Did that mean he likes John, or is John just being oblivious?

89.

Because who would love someone like him? John has so many issues, including but not limited to depression, he isn't completely out of the woods with the whole self harm thing, not to mention he hasn't said a word since he was fourteen. Alex is a beautiful hurricane of words and emotions and life and he deserves so much more than what John can offer.

90.

He blinks, and Alex is kneeling in front of him, holding his hands, repeating his name softly, worry and panic bleeding into his tone. John blinks again, and his lips curl into a smile, and he squeezes Alex's hands back. Alex still looks worried, but John couldn't care less. He's sorted through the last minute realizations, all that's left to do is act on them, and hell, now is as good of a time as any.

91.

He pulls Alex to his feet, Alex is still looking concerned, and he nervously gestures to himself, then Alex, and makes the sign for like.

92.

Alex's eyes widen, a shocked smile appearing on his face. He asks _Seriously?_ and John nods, his lips curling into an even larger grin. Alex wastes no time in lacing their fingers together and pulling him out of the shop, cards laying on the table forgotten.

93.

They get back to the apartment and Alex sits on the bed across from John, who is sitting cross legged. _So, you like me. Does this mean I can ask you out?_ Alex asks, and John nods hopefully. _Are you sure? You don't have to if you don't feel comfortable, I-_ Alex says, and John rolls his eyes, honestly he isn't made of glass, leans forward, grabs Alex's collar and kisses him.

94.

Kissing is nice. Once Alex recovers from his initial shock he's enthusiastically kissing him back, and John pulls back once he needs to breathe. The sun seems brighter now, and as Alex smiles breathlessly at him, this time John can push away the veil and smile back.

95.

Dating is also nice. When their friends find out there's a huge fuss, and they're unanimously voted cutest couple on campus (To which Alex splutters _I am not cute!_ And John just grins and pulls him along).

96.

Finals are coming up, and John is more stressed about school than he can ever remember being. He's sitting at his and Alex's shared desk and he doesn't think he's slept in the last three days, but he just needs to finish one more page-

97.

John wakes up with a crick in his neck and a blanket over his shoulders.

98.

Lafayette comes over one day, and he's coughing, badly. John starts to low key panic, shifting into high key when Lafayette grumbles that he has a chest cold that he can't shake. John jumps up and grabs Lafayette by the collar, and starts dragging him to the campus clinic, Lafayette spluttering indignantly and complaining, but John isn't having it. He will **not** lose someone else like this.

99.

Halfway to the clinic he realizes there are tears running down his cheeks, but he doesn't release his grip on Lafayette's t-shirt to wipe them away.

100.

Lafayette gets seen almost immediately, and Alex and John are left in the waiting room. John is furiously wiping away tears, determinedly not looking at Alex.

101.

Alex finally breaks the silence and gently asks _what was that about_ , and John just hands him his phone, which has a picture of he and Jemmy in front of the Eye of London as the home screen. Alex looks at it curiously, he hasn't seen any of John's siblings in a while. 

102.

John takes the phone back then makes the sign for dead, **flip your hands over like a fish going belly up, he hated that he knew that sign**. Alex's eyes widen, and he looks at the door Lafayette vanished into. He asks if that's what happened to him and John nods, then signs fourteen, thumb tucked in curling the other four fingers up and down and gestures to himself and his hands start to shake, but he keeps signing, because he won't-can't speak.

103.

 _Is that when you stopped-_ Alex trails off when John nods, then gently takes John's hands in his and holds them, effectively stopping the trembling. John can't tear his eyes off their clasped hands, and he resists the urge to snatch them back.

104.

Laf comes out eventually, with a prescription for medicine, and John almost goes light headed with relief.

105.

Things settle back down, but John can't escape from England, can't stop reliving the night Jemmy died, he bolts upright almost every night, hearing the shouts of the doctors, the alarms of the machines-

106.

And Alex is always over in an instant, climbing onto his bed and holding him until he can get his breathing under control, or until his sobs subside, depending on the night. John usually falls asleep in his arms, but some nights are bad, and it's all he can do to stop himself from going to his desk drawer and getting the markers, which he hasn't felt the need to use in months.

107.

As John's walking back to his dorm after class he overhears someone saying there's going to be a huge storm tonight, and he half smiles. He's always loved thunderstorms, he'll have to stay awake tonight to listen.

108.

The storm hits around eleven, John and Alex are watching Netflix on Alex's laptop. John perks up, craning his neck towards the window to watch for lightning, but he feels Alex tense besides him.

109.

John quickly turns to his boyfriend, and Alex has frozen, eyes squeezed shut tightly and hands clenched in fists.

110.

John takes Alex's hands in his and tries to get him to open his eyes so John can ask what's wrong, but Alex's breaths start coming in harsh pants and John knows what this is.

111.

John's had his fair share of panic attacks, knows how they're supposed to be handled, but he can't, he can't talk to Alex in a soothing voice, he can't get him to count with him, he can't-

112.

There's another clap of thunder and Alex whimpers, tears falling out of his eyes. John shoves the laptop to the floor and sits across from Alex, trying to figure out what to do because he can't just sit here and watch this, he has to do something.

113.

John takes Alex's hand and rubs his thumb across Alex's knuckles, and there's a roaring in his ears and it's not from the storm, and then he realizes he's humming under his breath.

114.

John's eyes widen but he doesn't stop, he recognizes the tune he's humming. The Story of Tonight. An old drinking song his mom used to sing to him and his siblings when they were scared.

115.

Alex stills a little bit, then another flash of lightening and almost simultaneous clap of thunder send him to the brink of hyperventilating, and John squeezes his hands and hums louder, not stopping to process what he's doing.

116.

The lamp on the desk flickers, and Alex rips his hands from John's and they go over his ears, and John doesn't think Alex can hear his humming anymore, but he doesn't stop, just shifts them around on the bed until he's holding Alex in his arms, humming the song over and over and over and over and over-

117.

About an hour into the storm John's throat hurts, but he doesn't stop, because he thinks Alex is responding to the song, when he can hear it.

118.

About two hours in John's eyes have slid closed and he starts singing under his breath-

119.

And John's eyes fly open, his voice faltering.

120.

Holy- he's _singing_.

121.

John had almost forgotten what his voice sounds like.

122.

He doesn't stop singing, because he's afraid if he stops he won't be able to find his voice again, and besides Alex seems calmer, and Alex needs him, so he sings.

123.

About twenty minutes later the storm is over, and Alex is asleep in his arms. John kisses his forehead and eases him down to lay on John's bed, and tucks him under the covers. Then he gets up and powers up the laptop. He has work to do.

124.

The next morning John is sitting on their desk slowly sipping hot tea, which feels amazing on his raw throat, when Alex starts mumbling and then falls out of bed, hitting the floor with a thud, and John grins, holding back laughter.

125.

Alex looks up at him, his eyes red from last night, and he blinks, still half asleep.

126.

"Mornin' sunshine." John says, and Alex just groans and yanks the covers down on top of him.

127.

A beat passes, and then Alex's head shoots out from underneath the covers and he stares at John, eyes wide and disbelieving.

"Did you just…"

128.

John furrows his eyebrows and tilts his head, and Alex's face falls. He blinks and shakes his head, standing and piling the blankets back on the bed.

"I mean, if you were going to finish that sentence with talk, then yes." John teases, his light tone contrasting the tears welling up in his eyes, and Alex whips around, shock written all over his face.

129.

"Oh my god, Jack!" Alex exclaims, and he tackles John in a hug, and John buries his face in Alex's shoulder. Eventually Alex pulls back, his face radiant. "You're talking! You're actually-"

130.

"Yeah. I'm actually talking." John's voice cracks on the last word and he coughs, his throat rough and scratchy.

131.

"Oh my god." Alex repeats, his eyes shining with unshed tears. "I- Your voice is beautiful." He says, and John lets out this strange half laugh half sob and Alex his hugging him again, and he closes his eyes and breathes.

132.

Eventually Alex breaks the silence. "So… Last night. I'm guessing the singing wasn't my imagination?" Alex asks, and John pulls back and shakes his head. He clears his throat and coughs a little, then he speaks( _!_ ).

"Yeah, that was me. I don't know, you were panicking, I was starting to panic, and then I started humming, then singing, and my brain hasn't pressed the mute button again." John said, swallowing painfully.

133.

"I'm glad." Is all Alex says, and John smiles.

134.

The rest of their group does not respond as calmly. Lafayette practically explodes with excitement, babbling in French and English, hugging John and laughing. Hercules grins and punches his shoulder, saying it was good to hear his voice. The Schuyler sisters all congratulate him excitedly, their smiles mirroring John's own.

135.

Turns out he never lost his Southern drawl, but now it's mixed with a British accent from his time in England to create a strange hybrid now known as John's voice.

He likes it.

136.

They're all at the park, and Peggy is attempting to imitate John's accent and failing miserably, and John laughs, then keeps laughing, and somewhere he crosses the line into crying but he's not upset, he's just so happy and excited and relieved and there's so many emotions and he's just overwhelmed-

137.

There's arms around him, and then more arms, and then he's surrounded with bodies and for once he doesn't tense up, he just buries his face in Alex's shoulder and lets the tears fall.

138.

Things will be better now.

139.

Things do get better. John keeps talking, with good days and bad days. He has a particularly bad period where he goes without speaking for almost two months, but he gets through it. He gets through it.

140.

It's been ten years. He and Alex have an apartment in New York. Alex is a successful lawyer and John works as a pediatrician at the hospital. He's happy now, something that he never could have imagined all those years ago.

141.

He's genuinely happy now, and he doesn't have to live with the sound of silence.


End file.
